Five Minute Pregnancy
by Baron Hausenpheffer
Summary: Species II Ever wonder what happens in the short time before Patrick Ross's victims give birth? WARNING: Insufferably stupid.


Disclaimer: I don't own Species II, or any other Species movie. I **do** own Lisa Meesa, even if her heart belongs to Patrick.

Author's note: What you are about to read may disturb you. A lot. After all, who wouldn't be disturbed by the thought that someone wasted 10 minutes of their life writing this?! Nonetheless, I hope it tickles your funny bone and makes you grin!

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Patrick Ross sleepily got out of bed and stretched. "Ah, another day, another B-movie style 'death-by-sex' for some lucky girl!" he yawned. He got dressed and was about to brush his teeth, when the sound of someone knocking at the door stopped him.

"I wonder who that could be?" he wondered.

When he opened the door, he was shocked (in a good way) by what he saw: it was a beautiful young blonde in a mailgirl uniform! "_Time to pour on the old charm!_" he thought as he slicked back his hair.

"Here's your mail, Mister!" she said with a smile.

"Thanks..." he smiled back. "You're not the typical postal service type; you're quite a bit cuter! Tell me a little bit about yourself."

"My name is Lisa Meesa. Actually, I'm a nurse-in-training," she replied with a blush. "But for some reason, I flunked out of medical school. I'm just doing this until I can get back in. Say, do you want to (#$?!)?"

Patrick's eyes went wide. "Excuse me?!"

"Well, you're Patrick Ross, the escaped astronaut-turned-reproduction-obsessed-alien, right? The one who keeps fatally impregnating all of the girls you meet?" she asked, unconcerned.

"H-how did you know that?!" he gasped.

She handed him a letter addressed "To the sex-starved alien".

"Oh..." he mumbled.

"I hear you've got things going for you!" she said with a giggle. "Let's get it on!"

Patrick raised an eyebrow. "And... you're cool with the whole 'fatal pregnancy' thing?"

"Oh, don't worry!" she assured him. "It won't be fatal for me. To tell the truth, I've kind of been planning this for a while, so I've eaten nothing but bubble gum for the last week. That way, when the time comes, by belly will stretch, but not pop! Then I'll just digest the little bugger!"

"_I'm starting to understand why she failed medical school..._" he thought, mortified. "_Oh, well. What she doesn't know won't hurt me!_"

"Well, what you've heard is true!" he bragged. "I DO have things going for me, and you seem to have things going for you, so... Shall we?"

"Sure!" she said with a giggle.

She walked inside, and Patrick closed the door.

_What happens next is strictly censored, but I can tell you that it took place on Patrick's bed, involved the fondling of back tentacles and mammary glands, and could generally be described as "wild monkey-love", among other things..._

"Whew!" sighed Patrick happily as he lay on the bed next to Lisa. "That was great!"

"You said it!" she whispered. "You really _are_ 'out of this world', at least in certain spots... Hey, when does that whole 'instant-baby' stuff start, anyway?"

"Oh, I don't know..." he replied thoughtfully. "Generally it takes about five minutes."

"Five minutes, huh? I--OH!" Lisa sat straight up in the bed.

"What? Already?!" Patrick exclaimed.

"No!" she said. "I...I need some strawberry ice cream and sourkraut!"

"Wha-what?" Patrick asked, freaking out.

"You heard me!" she yelled at him. "Me--have-craving; you--grocery store--go--NOW!"

Lisa hit him with a nearby newspaper, forcing Patrick out of bed. Quickly getting dressed (and grumbling all the way), he hurried to the nearest supermarket, bought the bizarre mixture of foods, and hurried back in a record 2 minutes.

Opening the door, he tiredly muttered, "Okay, I've got the ice cream and sourkraut."

"Oh, that. I don't want it anymore!" Lisa said with a sweet little smile.

"WHAT?!" he erupted. "I almost broke my neck retrieving that disgusting junk!"

"Why are you yelling at me?! Waaaaaaaaaaaah!" she broke into tears.

"I--I'm sorry, I..." he stammered, embarassed.

Suddenly, she looked up, murder in her eyes. "SORRY?! **Sorry isn't good enough!**" With that, she grabbed a nearby lamp and threw it at him.

"Ack!" Patrick yelped, barely dodging. "What was that for?"

"Nothing, my dear, sweet baboo!" she bubbled happily.

"_Aha. Mood swings. Figures!_" thought Patrick, exasperated.

"My lovely Adonis, please, come kiss me!" Lisa said, striking up a seductive pose.

"Oh, baby! Now you're talking my language!" Patrick grinned ear-to-ear. He ran over to the bed, hopped back in, and put his lips next to hers...

"**BLLLLUUUGHH! BLAAGGHH! BARF! BARF! PUKE!**"

There were a few bubbles in the puke-pool on the left side of the bed, and then Patrick burst out, gasping for air!

"Oops!" Lisa whispered, embarassed. "Morning sickness. Sorry about that!"

"It's...okay," he mumbled, wiping the slime off of his face. "_How can one woman hold that much stomach acid?! Oh well..._" he thought miserably.

"Say!" Lisa suddenly brightened. "I think I felt something!"

"Really?" Patrick said hopefully. ("_Maybe she'll die and this will be over with..._")

Lisa lifted up the covers, but Patrick was surprised (and slightly disappointed) to see that her stomach was just as flat as it had always been.

"Are you sure about feeling something?" he asked skeptically.

"Mmm-hmm," she replied, nodding. "Just feel for yourself."

Curious, he leaned his cheek onto her belly. Just then, her stomach lurched forward with such violence that it knocked Patrick into the air and out of the bed!

He crawled to his feet, now sporting a black eye and missing a few teeth. Lisa was now standing up on the bed, getting knocked back and forth like a rag doll.

"What the heck is going on in there? A prize fight?!" he moaned, rubbing his swollen cheek.

"I--oof!--think this might--yow!--be 9 month's worth--ouch!--of kicking!" she groaned, bouncing back and forth. Finally, the little fetus quit its hopping around, and Lisa fell to the bed exhausted.

"Huff! Huff! Wow! That was a trip!" she wheezed. "How much longer, d'ya think?"

Patrick looked at his watch. "Let's see... any moment now."

"This had better not hurt or anything! I've been through a lot because of you," Lisa pouted. "I'd better receive my child-support check, too!"

"What?!" Patrick shouted angrily. "_You've_ been through a lot? What about me?!"

"You've had it soft! I hardly asked for anything, and didn't cause any trouble!" she replied curtly.

Patrick was about to respond, when Lisa gave a little yelp. Watching with fascination (Patrick wasn't surprised; this was "old hat" for him), Lisa's eyes widened with shock as her stomach began to enlarge at an inhuman pace.

"Hey, Patrick!" she said, a little nervous. "My stomach is stretching, all right, but it's kind of a tight fit. What happens if I run out of room?"

Her bulging gut was now easily at the 9-months size, and showed no sign of stopping! Lisa screamed in pain as her stomach exploded in a surge of blood and fluid! Within seconds, she was dead.

Patrick let out a sigh of relief. "**_That_** happens."

He walked over, picked the alien-baby out of her belly, and walked out the door. As he was leaving, he muttered, "I tell ya, 5 minutes is _way_ too long!"

THE END

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Well, that's it. This was just a stupid idea I came up with one day, and I figured that I might as well write it down. No offense is meant to pregnant women; I'll bet you ladies would get more of a kick out of this than most! Besides, I've been told I came from one. Hahaha!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get my head examined for writing this thing; I'll schedule you an appointment since you read it! While you're waiting for your turn at the cat-scan, please drop me a review!


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